Black and Red, 2023

Man, it hurts.

Love and hate at the same time?

Hurt and mend?

Maybe it took longer for me.

Why?

Because we're different.

Because in that message, not a single word was said that showed they were worried or even cared about me, but only about others.

Because that pathetic man blamed something other than the fact that he can't see me with another man, and people blamed me for that.

Because that sums up what everyone thinks, so yes, I get the point.

It's funny because I kept blaming myself.

Funny because I feel unworthy.

Funny because I believed everything they said.

I tried to heal from the pain you gave me.

The pain made me feel unworthy.

The pain made me want to stab my chest over and over again because it hurt so much.

The pain of all the unfairness and betrayal that I have experienced.

I let go of someone I love.

I promised not to hurt him, so I let him go.

I let myself suffer alone.

I tried to forgive and let go.

But I can't do it alone.

Because it's not just me, now I'm hurting someone I love too.

Because I'm starting to think I don't have any support.

Because I'm starting to question myself.

Because I think I need to stab my chest to stop this pain.

I want to see you suffer like me.

I want you to feel what I feel.

I want you to realize how hurtful it is and feel sorry for whatever you've done.

But no, I can't do that.

I just want to heal.

To be like the old me.

To accept all the pain and let go.

To accept this unfairness and betrayal.

I want to believe that it's easier to live.

I want to believe that I can rely on someone.

I want to believe that there is someone I can trust.

Someone who can love me.

Someone who can support me.

I just want to believe that.

I just want to love myself so that whatever crazy things people say, I can stand strong and believe in myself.

I want to stop thinking that it's easier to die.