Draft of my email, 2022.

I tried to filter my words,

So they would qualify for this blog.

But I can share the original version with you,

An email I kept in the draft without any filter or harsh words,

Just like yours.

First of all,

Please tell me the right word.

Problem? Conflict?

Some shit that a pathetic man does?

Or an extraordinary event where a trusted friend shows bias?

There's one thing you need to know,

I never care about losing someone who adores me.

But I do care about losing my friend,

Someone I used to consider important.

Do you know?

Of course not.

You don't want to know.

You don't want to know that I care about others more than myself.

You don't want to know how hurt I am because of you and someone you protect.

You don't want to know that I've felt it would be easier to die just because of your email.

You know about that bastard's feelings.

You know this isn't about friendship, so don't mention that.

This is about a lover's expectation that I can't fulfill.

This is about a lover's jealousy that I'm not aware of.

I never saw him as a lover.

He knows that.

He knows how many times I've told him to stop.

He knows I don't see him that way.

He knows there was a possibility like this.

For months, I've blamed myself for not being a good friend.

Blamed myself for trusting your words and not speaking up sooner.

Blamed myself for hurting my best friend for years.

But do you know?

In the end, it was never about our friendship.

It wasn't about me not appreciating him as my friend.

It was about him not being able to see me with another man.

AND NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT THIS.

I was too focused on losing my best friend and blaming myself for not being a good friend.

But fuck, fuck that pathetic man.

Go ahead, protect him until the end.

Silly me.

Until the end, I'm still afraid of hurting people while I'm hurting here.

Afraid that I will hurt someone if I share about my relationship.

Believing that everyone hates me and I don't deserve anything.

Even blaming myself for thinking that you guys are biased.

It hurts, man.

It hurts to the point where I want to stab my chest over and over again.

It hurts to the point where I let myself drown, forgetting about myself.

It hurts to the point where I think it would be easier to die.

But again,

You don't care, right?

You're just biased.

You think about others.

Literally everyone.

But not a single word. Nothing shows that you care.

In the end, you even mention others.

Making me generalize what others think.

Making me feel even more betrayed.

Making me shiver at the mere mention of their names.

Because I know you guys are biased.

Because you guys have broken me into pieces.

Or is it just you?

Unfairness. Betrayal. Hurt.

Affecting my personal well-being.

Affecting someone I love.

I let him go.

I kept my promise not to hurt him.

I let myself hurt even more.

Are you happy?

I hope you're happy.

Hahaha

I'm tired.

I'm fucking tired.

I know,

I know you don't care.

I can't love and hate you at the same time.

The pain is completely different.

No, I bet you can't understand.

Nobody understands how much it hurts except for me.

So I hope that one day you guys will understand how painful it is.

Anyway, don't bother to reply.

Same here. I don't want to hear anything.

We can be jerks together.

Well,

Just in case we cross paths again in hell,

Don't forget to say hi.